Alex

Now, you mentioned there the kids with sort of slower processing speeds and results of anxiety with that, and then the kids with higher processing speeds and different forms of anxiety with that. What are the treatments look like? How are they different for those two types of kids? 

Ellen

Well, if we’re really talking about treating the anxiety itself, really one of the best tools for both of these kids is cognitive behavioral therapy. And that really first looks at what are the cognitions that underlie these sorts of behaviors. So it’s great to know if somebody is sort of a fast or slow processor, because the therapist can use that to know, okay, what are you thinking in this situation? Where is your head going when you’re in a test situation, for example, and you feel like you’re not going to be able to finish it in time, what do you do? What are you thinking? And then to be able to say, okay, we know that it’s probably going to take you a little bit longer than most other kids in your class, and how do we best use that extra time that we advocated for and you received? How do we use that time? And so for a child who’s more perfectionistic, those sorts of cognitive behavioral techniques will be much more about attacking those perfectionistic tendencies. 

So when I’m anxious, I tend to go into overdrive, for example, about making sure that I’m doing everything correctly, which is slowing me down further, which is putting me further and further behind. To have a child articulate that and to then say, how do I let go of that? And sometimes for kids who are perfectionistic, it might just be the therapy might really be being able to sit with imperfection and know what that’s kind of like and how that feels. So that can be an important skill for kids to learn. 

Alex

What about with slower processing kids? What would the sort of treatment look like with a kid with slower processing?

Ellen

If a slower processor is feeling anxious, so one of the things to do is to address that through sort of executive function coaching or tutoring. Sometimes it’s for the parents. I should also say too, which I did not mention before, that parents play a role in this too. We have to be able to look at what’s our processing speed like. How does this interact with my child in the home environment? Am I fast and my child is slower? Does this cause more anxiety in our relationship, or are we both sort of slower processors and is this bogging us down so we’re always anxious? But in the therapy environment, the therapist is really going to help the child develop coping skills that will help make their life more seamless. And sometimes that would be identifying where they are the slowest or where things are bogging down for them. 

Alex

Traditionally, you sort of stressed the value of empathizing with your children. I wonder if you could sort of expand on the importance of empathy. 

Ellen

Empathy is probably the most important quality we have anywhere, especially in today’s world. I think for parents, in terms of their kids, being able to just restate what your child is feeling and getting an understanding of what it is they’re struggling with helps them become more empathic themselves. Especially if you have a child who’s having trouble with transitions, for example. One of the best ways to help your child with transitions is to say that to them. It looks like you’re really struggling with making it from home to school or school to home. How does that feel for you? What’s tough about that? How do you think we can change this? What do you think would make you feel better? Being able to figure out how to change things really comes best from a place of shared perspective. 

Alex

I would say, personally, I sort of struggle with editing out the critical voice too, as a parent. Sort of editing out the, you should do this a little bit differently. If you have any sort of hint of that, at least in my relationship with my daughter in particular, their defense mechanisms go up, and it’s like they’re almost resistant to any attempts at empathy. 

Ellen

If you really think about it, if you’re really in the space of empathy, that is sort of edited out as part of it. If we’re really just sort of in that space, we’re getting in their shoes. So we’re not necessarily looking from a distance where it’s like, you should do this. And we know oftentimes what the right answer is, but sharing their frustration and saying to them, what’s the right answer here? Kids know what the right answer is. And there’s been a lot of studies that have looked at this. Kids have the ability to know the right answer, but don’t always have the ability to use that skill. So it’s kind of like being able to identify the alphabet, but not necessarily being able to apply it yet for reading. Same goes with decision making. You’re looking at this, you’re like, you know this. You know what the right answer is. They know it too. If it’s someone else, it’s never helpful for somebody to say, you should have done it this way. 

Alex

Ellen brought up a really good piece of advice, I think, about teaching kids about time, especially with an analog clock. I found that a really helpful sort of pointer when dealing with my own daughter too, teaching her the feeling of time, right? How long does it take to get to school, morning versus afternoon even? I think having those sort of concrete tactics as a parent really gives you something to glum onto and invest your sort of effort in. Also she talked about something that we’ve discussed frequently here on this podcast, which is the importance of empathy. I think empathy is important for all kids, right? I mean, we want to be seen and understood and solve our problems sort of collaboratively. I think it’s all the more important with kids that maybe are feeling a little bit different than their peers. So that empathy piece almost becomes that much more important for those kids.