The pandemic has created some strange… rituals… for families that I’ve observed that perhaps some of you may have seen as well. Hit me up if you know what I’m talking about here:

  1. Culture of the Walk: Why do my kids need to be walked more than Shetlands? Come to think of it, why do I? I have a one year old who just learned to talk, and his first word was “walk!!” He grabs his shoes (okay, one shoe) and throws it at me repeatedly until I take him out for a walk. Walking culture is nuts: at about 5:30PM every day, it’s like watching airport traffic in our circle walk back and forth by the window. I swear there’s one college college who just does loops around our street all day. We speculate loosely that he is losing his mind. I, for one, can certainly identify.
  2. Smiling behind a mask: You can’t really tell what a person is doing behind a mask: are they smiling or yawning or squinting, who knows? The only way to indicate a smile is to smile so huge you scare Jack-o-Lanterns. It’s really putting a damper on my complexion. So much for real age.
  3. Backiotomy: My Chiropractor is going to be mad at me when I get the nerve to show my face in his office again. I hunch over a screen with a chair too short, the lean down to pick up toys, boxes, kids… It may be time to move to Notre Dame. It’s that bad.
  4. Short Supplies: Would could have predicted these shortages? We have now fear-stocked enough toilet paper and paper towels to recreate a paper mache version of the Stay-puff Marshmallow Man. We might need to just for the sheer entertainment value. If there’s ever a true apocalypse, we’ll have the cleanest underparts on the street. But now there’s no plastic gallon bags… Is this just us? Wither gallon bags? God, I miss you and your handy storing properties.
  5. Looking Longingly out of the Window: The things that are entertainment now are somewhat depressing. Garbage day is a huge favorite at our house, as is when the landscaping crew comes to mow our lawn. The kids are just stuck to the windows in fascination. Even I, myself, find the weed-wacking and the clever mechanical arm of the garbage truck strangely arresting. Is it Thursday yet?
  6. Endless Scrolling: Okay, maybe this is just me, but I’ve been endlessly scrolling through Apple News waiting for some article to tell me everything is just peachy. Instead I end up reading about Trump, the election, climate apocalypse, and Covid19’s destruction, and basically about how we’re all going to die very soon. Is there a hotline for this?
  7. Toys: Just… toys. I will die in a pile of lightly used toys. They won’t need to bury me.